Wonderful, Wonderful Socks
by Niemand5
Summary: I think I was temporarily insane when I wrote this....basically benign socks are taking over the world.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, yadda yadda yadda.  
  
A/N: This is my first try at a humor piece but I'm not sure how good it is so please don't flame. Of course, constructive criticism is appreciated.  
  
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**Wonderful, Wonderful Socks**

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"Harry! Hey, Harry!" Harry Potter was woken by his friend Ron's shouts.  
  
"Yeah?" he said, rubbing his eyes. _That was one weird dream,_ he thought. He couldn't quite remember it but he did remember that Dobby had been trying to get him to join the "Sock" side, as that was the side would win.   
  
"Get up," Ron said. "We don't want to be late to class."  
  
Harry nodded and started getting dressed. The peculiar thing, is that when he went to grab a pair of socks, there were none. "What happened to my socks?" Harry asked, voicing his thoughts.  
  
Ron shrugged. "Here, borrow mine," he said, throwing Harry a pair of colorful, polka-dot socks. Harry gave him a skeptical look but didn't say anything. When he pulled them on, he noticed they were knee socks. He was about to comment when Ron said, "Come on!" Harry bit his tongue (which hurt quite a bit so he stopped biting it) and they headed down to breakfast.  
  
As they were going to breakfast, they ran into Ron's only sister. "Harry!" she exclaimed. "Check out my socks!" She pulled up her robes slightly and showed a pair of socks which had lightning bolts on them. "Aren't they cool?" she didn't wait for an answer. "Let me see yours!" Harry doubtfully showed him her socks. "Cool! They so fit you, Harry." Harry wondered how green with purple polka dots could fit anybody but he wanted to get down to breakfast so he didn't say anything.  
  
"Check out _my_ socks," Ron said, showing Harry and Ginny his socks.  
  
"Er, lets get to breakfast" Harry said, cutting off Ginny's compliment of Ron's socks.  
  
Ron scowled but they went down to breakfast, where they found Hermione absorbed in a book.  
  
"Harry, Ron!" she exclaimed, looking up from her extremely thick book.  
  
"Yeah?" Harry said, wondering if this day could get any weirder.  
  
"You wouldn't believe the history of socks!"  
  
Harry's jaw dropped open but Ron simply said, "Ooh! Let me see!" Hermione handed him the book, smiling. _Ron? __Reading__?_ The world's gone mad, Harry thought, shaking his head.  
  
"We should get going, we don't want to be late to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Hermione stated.  
  
Harry conveniently forgot who the teacher was so the readers could be informed. "Who's the teacher, again?"  
  
"Professor Lupin."  
  
"What? They wouldn't let him be a teacher. Who made him teacher?" Harry stated, happy but doubtful.  
  
"The author," Hermione said, acting as though that explained everything, which, in a way, it did.  
  
"I'm sorry, I don't believe in authors," Harry said haughtily.  
  
The author gave a loud cough which Harry jumped at. "Watch it buddy, your treading on thin ice," she said, prodding him with a very large eraser.  
  
"Eep! Alright, alright!" Harry looked around as the eraser vanished. "Erm, anyway, let's head to that class now."  
  
They proceeded to the classroom, all the while Ron still reading up on the history of socks. "Uh, Ron," where did those socks come from?" Harry asked uncertainly.  
  
"What socks?" Ron said, looking up.  
  
"Umm, the ones on your ears. And your arms. And around your neck."  
  
"They keep me warm," he said, shrugging. "Besides, don't they have the coolest styles?"  
  
"Uh," Harry didn't say anything. Most of the socks had moving portraits of people. "Here's the classroom!" he said, happy to change the subject. The trio quickly took their seats as the bell rang.  
  
"Good morning, class. I'm glad to see all of you so prompt in your appearance. Today, I managed to capture a very deadly creature," Lupin said, earning several "ooohs," from the class. The cage behind him shook menacingly. "We," he paused for dramatic effect, "are going to learn about the. Deadly. Sock!" he finished, whipping the cloth off the cage.  
  
Harry let out a burst of laughter which he quickly concealed as a cough when he realized nobody else was laughing.  
  
"Now, does anybody know how the Sock kills?" Hermione's hand shot up into the air. Harry noticed it was covered by a sock. "Yes, Hermione?"  
  
"There is only one main way the Sock kills. It disguises itself as a normal sock, with of course its mate as the second of the pair. While the owner of the Sock is sleeping it will creep up and strangle the person in their sleep." Ron suddenly became very nervous about the sock around his neck.  
  
"Excellent, Hermione. Five points to Gryffindor. Now, I am going to describe the ways in which you fend off Socks."  
  
Lupin went into a very long explanation of the numerous ways to kill a Sock. After the explanation, he gave everybody one sock and told them to fend it off. Right before they started off Lavender burst into tears. "I can't do it! I can't harm a sock!" she wailed and ran from the room.  
  
Her friend, Parvati, also stood up. "I, too, refuse to hurt a sock as Professor Trelawney says that socks shall save the world. After, of course, they kill Harry." She also ran from the room.  
  
Lupin looked after them and shrugged. The class proceeded to fend off the socks.  
  
The class was soon over, and they were all panting from breaths. Fighting Socks was hard work.  
  
"I'm starving, let's grab a snack from the kitchens," Ron said, panting. They all agreed and Hermione did not even make a comment about SPEW.  
  
Once they tickled the pear and entered the kitchen, they gasped in surprise. For no apparent reason, the Minister of Magic was in the Hogwarts. (Well, except for the author's whim of course.)  
  
"Hello, students," Fudge said heartily. "Hello, Harry," he added in an expressionless voice. He couldn't remember if he was mad at Harry or not. It seemed to change so frequently. "I was just talking with Dobby about the properties of socks." Dobby was standing on a nearby table showing Fudge his sock collection. It was perhaps the only one to rival Dumbledore's.  
  
Luckily, for Harry at least, the bell rang at that moment and they had to leave. "Phooey!" Hermione said. "It would've been so interesting to talk to Dobby and Fudge about socks!"  
  
"Er, yeah," Harry said. "I wonder why Fudge was there."  
  
"The author wanted him to be, of course."  
  
"I told you, I don't believe in--" Harry was cut off by the author's loud coughing.  
  
"You were saying?" the voice bellowed.  
  
"Nothing!" Harry squeaked. "Nothing at all!"  
  
The author glared at Harry and prodded him with an eraser. "Just remember, I'm watching you, buddy," she said before seemingly disappearing.  
  
"Er, anyway, we should head down to Potions," said Harry, trying to get his heartbeat to return to normal.  
  
His friends nodded and they set off to go the dungeon in which Potions was held.  
  
"Good sock," Professor McGonagall said as they passed her.  
  
"Good sock," Hermione and Ron said in unison. Harry stared in shock at not only the greeting but the fact that McGonagall was wearing socks for earmuffs.  
  
Once they neared the dungeon Harry caught sight of Malfoy's blonde hair. He instantly slowed down, hoping Malfoy wouldn't see him.  
  
"Potter!" Harry silently swore. "Check out my socks!"  
  
"What?" Harry blurt out.  
  
"My socks. Aren't they cool?" he said, moving his leg slightly so the sock sparkled in the dim light.  
  
"Uh, yeah. Way cool."  
  
Malfoy smiled a happy smile, and went off to the classroom.  
  
"Is it just me, or was that really weird?" Harry said to his friends.  
  
Hermione scowled. "At least _somebody_ is trying to strengthen the inter-house bonds with Sockdom." Harry simply stared in shock as they proceeded into the dank dungeon.  
  
"Potter!" Snape yelled bounding up to him. You heard me. Bounding. Harry wondered what it could possibly be now. "Like my socks?" they were rainbow-striped knee socks.  
  
Harry stared in shock. Had the whole world gone mad? Snape, _Snape,_ was asking _Harry Potter_ if he liked his socks. And not only that, but they were rainbow-colored! Rainbow-colored socks couldn't look good on _anybody_ b--  
  
"Wait, what do you mean they don't look good on anybody?" the author said, reading and interrupting Harry's thoughts.  
  
"Er, nothing," Harry said, remembering his other encounters with the author too well.  
  
"ARE YOU DISSING MY SOCKS!!??"  
  
"No! Of course not!" Harry's voice jumped up an octave.  
  
"YOU'RE DISSING MY SOCKS!!!" the bellowing voice shook dust loose from the surrounding room. "THAT IS _IT_!! YOU DIE NOW!" And with a small pop Harry disappeared.  
  
Everybody celebrated as now nobody would insult their Sockdom. And they all linked arms and went off into the sunset, skipping. The Sock Side would always win.  
  
Now, do you know what the moral of the story is? That's right. DON'T DISS MY SOCKS!!!! =D

**THE END**


End file.
